Dating a manic depressive woman

One of my most amazing feats in life was convincing my husband that I was a normal person.

He knew about my past when we were dating—the depression, the suicide attempts in high school, the abuse, all of that.

As Scott looked around the kitchen in horror, my rage turned into shame, and I ran to our bedroom, crying hysterically.

I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t help it, or that it certainly felt that way. Even though I could tell when it was coming, I didn’t know how to stop it. I knew it was wrong, and it always zapped me of so much energy, but I felt powerless over it.

But when I’m clinically feeling depressed, there are no tomorrows. Instead of feeling that I have something to offer the world, I start believing the world would be better off without me.

I am hyper-aware of all my flaws, bit and small, past and present.

But he was under the impression that after many years of counseling and taking antidepressants, I was healthy again.

On a “typical” bad day, I know that tomorrow is a new beginning, and I believe that God allows everything to work together to fulfill some grand plan of His.

There have been times when the only thing holding me back from suicide was a deep fear of hell and my theological confusion in that area.

Note that I didn’t say my hope in Christ held me back. For a long time, my depression alienated my husband because I retreated and wouldn’t discuss it with him. However, I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him hovering around me. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him constantly asking, “Are you OK? ” So I shut the door in his face, crawled under the blankets, and disappeared.

It was hard for him to live with someone who was a doting wife one minute and a plate-throwing lunatic the next.

A lack of understanding on both our parts almost made him walk out the front door (as plates and silverware crashed against the walls in the background! It’s not just a feeling of being sad or wanting to take a day off work to sleep; it’s this sense that all of life is absolutely bleak and hopeless and nothing you do will ever change that.

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